Womb Envy

Womb Envy.....This is the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach and in my heart when I see a new mother with her infant or a fiends pregnant belly. Why them not me? It's hard to talk about the powerful hate/jealousy I feel for other people who are pregnant or have babies. It is an ugly feeling and not one to be expressed polite company but for me is a very, very real feeling. The emotional part of infertility is unbelievable, I feel like a totally different person trapped with no way out.

Last Friday was an extremely emotional day for me. My ex-husband (whom I'm still very good friends with) & his significant other had a baby boy. I have know for 8 months they were going to have a baby and I thought I was prepared mentally for the day. When Russell called to tell me Brayden was born I told him that I would come to the hospital to see them after I got off work. When I got home I pretty much lost it and wasn't sure that I could face seeing or holding a baby. On one hand, I am happy for them, but (on the other) it reminded me that I haven't been able to get pregnant. It's so difficult to see others get what you want especially when it's your ex-husband who I tried to have a child with for several years and never succeeded. Gary my fiance and I did go to the hospital to see the baby and I'm so glad that I did. Brayden is adorable and just holding the bundle of joy reminded me that I will have this pleasure some day with my own child, hopefully soon. After we left the hospital I was feeling a little better but still in a very depressed mood. Gary is the most wonderful man and was so supportive of me even in my extremely foul mood.

Later that night my brother called to tell me his fiance is pregnant! Talk about a little character building for me, it was a double whammy! Sometimes you have to be happy for someone else's success when you can't find your own and hope the universe will balance it all out in the end. I have to accept that when it comes to babies and my fertility I don't have all of the power and control. With my Brother and Tierney having a baby I know that there will be a little one to hold in a few months and that is very comforting to me. This child will bring so much joy to our entire family that I feel bad even being slightly jealous. I was the first one that my brother told about their pregnancy. My brother just wanted to make sure that I wasn't holding out any important information before they announced their pregnancy to everyone.